We have also had a little excitement these last few weeks. About 2 weeks ago I was having a lot of contractions. All day -- every 5-10 minutes. They weren't painful but they were noticeable. After a bit, I decided I should just make sure. I ran to triage. They hooked me up to the monitor to check on baby and contractions - she looked fantastic on the monitor even for being 27 weeks she was having accelerations add decelerations with movement which is just what they wanted. But I was having contractions every 7 minutes on the monitor. They did an examination and an ultrasound to check out cervical length and it was nearly 5cm which is really fantastic - So my uterus was irritated but it was causing no change. I took it easy for a few days and the contractions seemed to slow significantly.
Wednesday I took a spill on the ice -- right on my butt. Baby was moving fine, shes pretty well protected in there. Everything was good but I had to go to the chiropractor the next day to get fixed up! I was pretty jacked up.
Also since the last update, I was invited to the guy's baby shower. I cannot tell you what an honor it will be to meet their friends and have all of their friends and family be able to 'meet' their little girl for the first time! I am counting down the days until we get to all hang out!
Monday we have a growth scan to see how little girl is growing -- The guys will be coming to this so they will get to see her again!
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This is the part about the hill that I will die on -- it is long but still surrogacy related.
I am pretty passionate about all things in my life but there are few topics I am as passionate as surrogacy.
Yesterday I was in a doula facebook group where a surrogate was asking how much it was for a postpartum doula per hour so she could put it in her surrogacy contract. I made the point to say that she could ask for what she wanted but doulas are beneficial but not a necessity. Someone asked why I thought doula work is not a necessity and instead a luxury service. Simply put, a woman who has a baby that does not have a postpartum doula will live. At $40 an hour, to me, a postpartum doula is a luxury service. I say this from the kindest place I can come from as I am a labor and postpartum doula - I value myself. But this service is not for every single family - if you cannot afford it, you cannot have it; therefore it is a luxury service.
I posted this in my certification group. The responses fixated on the fact that it was a surrogate requesting the doula service rather than me saying that it was a luxury service and the conversation went wayward in a direction I could have never seen coming.
The responses fired me up. I had to eventually turn off notifications because I just could not invest anytime into the fact that these women/doulas have never been in the surrogacy world aside from some of them supporting either surrogates or intended parents during or after pregnancy.
There were comments like (these are not verbatim as I refuse to go back to the thread and get sucked in).
- I don't know why you are so worked up - Surrogacy is a luxury service.
- The intended parents should support the surrogate no matter how she wants.
- A few thousand dollars is just a drop in the bucket when you look at the cost of surrogacy so the IPs won't even care as long as the surrogate feels supported.
- Would you feel the same way if the intended parents lived in a multimillion dollar mansion?
- They could choose another way to build their family other than surrogacy.
Let me tell you about the average Intended Parent. They do not drive luxury cars and live in a multimillion dollar house up on the Hill. They are living within their means. Many times they sell their decent cars to buy a beater so they can save that money for a surrogacy. They don't go on vacation for years. Many of them take out second mortgages on their houses and loans from family. Tell them that surrogacy is a luxury.
On average, surrogates are compensated about $30,000 over 10 months (9 months of pregnancy and one month postpartum) for pain and suffering and other living expenses. Plus these surrogates are given a $300 a month allowance for small expenses like prenatals, to pay for extra toilet paper and water for extra bathroom trips, mileage on car to appointments, etc. Add the start of medication fee (usually around $1000), maternity clothing $500-800. You get the point - over the course of 10 months, many surrogates are being compensated about $35,000.
But let's ask these intended parents for more money. Let's stretch them thin a little more for a postpartum doula. Surrogates have the ability to ask for ANYTHING in their contract. If they want it or need it, they can ask. Let me explain contracts. Before contracts even happen, a surrogate has had her records reviewed and been to a clinic to be medically cleared. This process can cost easily $5,000 for the IPs - for the travel for the surrogate and the doctors fees, medical tests and blood work. So after we have decided that the surrogate is a good candidate, we have created a bond. A lovely friendship is blooming and the Intended Parents have finally gotten a glimpse of parenthood - this is really going to happen. Then we get to contracts. Suddenly the rug is pulled from under the IPs. The surrogate starts asking for things they were not anticipating. Things that could cost thousands more than they anticipated. Where will they get this money from? If they say no, the surrogate could walk away and they could lose $5,000 from the medical screening process. If they say no, the surrogate they felt connected to will no longer be their surrogate and they are back to the drawing board -- finding a connection with a surrogate is hard.
So the answer that these doulas have is that the surrogate has the right to this service because she carried the baby for them and IPs should bend over backwards to accommodate that. No. The surrogate is making $35,000 for pain and suffering. The pain and suffering the birthing woman is having post birth should be covered by her 10th month of compensation for pain and suffering. If a surrogate does not see the value of postpartum doula services so that she will spend her own money on it, why does she expect to get it for free from someone else? (Either the doula not charging or the IPs paying for it ends up costing someone else other than the birthing person.) And by the way, my doula agency charges $1000 for labor doula clients -- I do have a small stipend in my contract for a labor doula -- it is less than a 1/3 of what we charge as an agency. If I choose to hire a doula for my birth and the cost is more than what is in my contract, then I will pay more for the service out of my own money, not ask my IPs for more money out of their pocket for this luxury service -- fortunately they wanted me to have a doula as they wanted to be involved with the baby care and be cheerleaders for me rather than feeling that they have to support me in ways that they are unsure of.
I obviously see the value of a postpartum doula. A postpartum doula offers physical, emotional and educational support during the postpartum transition period. Perhaps a surrogate could benefit from this in a way that others since she doesn't have the baby and has the feelings that come from that transition. However, if she cannot live without a doula during her postpartum transition -- SHE SHOULD NOT BE A SURROGATE. If she thinks she can benefit from a postpartum doula, massage, chiropractor, <insert luxury service in here> she may ask for this service but when IPs get to the point of contracts, sometimes they agree on something out of desperation. Resentment could build from this. (I am not saying this is the course in all cases!) Some IPS OFFER to pay for this and good for them, they want their surrogates supported -- but to say that an IP should pay for it if the doula asks no matter what, I can't get behind that.
I was accused of viewing the situation through one lens. I guess that is true. I will continue to view this topic through the lens of morals, compassion and sensitivity for the journey that brought the intended parents to surrogacy. I will never take advantage of intended parents. I will never ask them for things I should pay for myself no matter how much I can benefit from it. The doulas are also viewing the situation from one lens -- the lens in which they really don't know about surrogacy. Rose colored lenses.
You cannot change my opinion on this. I hear that postpartum doulas are beneficial and surrogates could greatly benefit but at whose expense? Doulas are a luxury service - if a surrogate wants postpartum support, she should pay for it.
