I thought about this as I took a shower this evening.. I was not sure what I was going to say. The beauty of surrogacy is that somehow, I was trusted by God and by a couple to make them into parents. I did that. It is so surreal. About 12 weeks ago (I don't know exact numbers anymore, but if it were my own child, I would know the months, weeks and days since they were born!), I delivered Teacup at 4am on a Thursday morning. I think about her often, yet I don't at the same time. When I stand looking at myself in the mirror and see the stretch marks and stretched out skin or every time I sit to pump, and Piper is in the room, she asks if I am pumping for Baby Aggy. There are things that remind me, but at the same time, pumping is a part of my schedule and the fact that I had a baby in my body seems so foreign and a thing of the past.
I imagine that E&L and baby A are getting along well but I don't get a lot of updates anymore. Often just succinct responses to answer or ask questions about bills or medical records that arise and to say that everyone is doing well. They are probably busy with life. The other part to this is that they don't HAVE to send me emails or updates. I did not have any expectations as to what would happen at the end of the journey, after all, when you are not the only one making decisions and choices, it is hard to have expectations. We both upheld the contract. We both did what we promised and the truth is, if that is the end of the relationship, then all is not lost. I did something so amazing for someone else and I am very proud of that. I am very thankful for whatever small glimpses of their life and of A that they offer me!
So if you ask.... and I give you a curt answer, chances are, I honestly don't know how they are or maybe I have not heard from them recently! My fondness for them will be forever more, but as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end. Our relationship has never tarnished, but as distance always does, it drove a wedge between communication between us and that is okay. I cannot pretend to know how it feels to be on the other side of the coin as Intended Parents. Would I feel threatened? Would I feel nervous and scared about how the surrogate felt about my child? There is no book written for this and just about every feeling that any of us have felt... they are all normal.
So onto other things... I sent a book to them from the first meeting way back in September 2014 all the way to the most recent photo I have of A (sometime in early February). I had photos from the transfer, the positive tests, the foods that I craved or lived on while pregnant, bump photos, ultrasounds, the delivery, and I actually started the book as a fairy tale when Mom & Dad met and their wedding photos... I shared things they said via email to me... and of course, I shared photos of them as a family... On the last page, I wrote this.. It was a letter to A. I hope they share this book with fondness with her so that one day, she know how she came to be... and how much they loved each other and her to get to the place that they are now!
A,
I cannot begin to explain the joy that your tiny little toes, your sweet soft skin and your wide eyed wonder has brought to so many people. When we all started this journey, I didn't know the immeasurable happiness that your parents would bring to me and my family's life on a daily basis. People often tell me how amazing I am for carrying you for perfect strangers. The truth is, your parents are no longer strangers and they are even more amazing than people think that I am for bringing you to them. We will forever have this bond that will keep us together through the distance. You were a dream for many and now, as they hold you and rock you to sleep at night, bathe you, and just snuggle you, you are a reality.
Remember that life is full of choices. Sweet girl, always choose the fun option (within reason of course). Dance like no one is watching. Your light will always shine brighter so long as you don't blow out anyone elses light so be kind to everyone. Find something nice in each person you encounter. Cling to memories, not places. The more money you save now, the more money you will have when you are older, but buy that lipstick or shoes that you love; splurging occasionally is warranted. Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead before your lips. Dance with God and He will let the perfect man cut in. True character is what we do when we think no one else is watching. A strong woman stands up for herself. A stronger woman stands up for everyone else. Please and Thank You are still magical words. If they don't respect and value you, then they don't deserve you. You're amazing just the way you are.
My dream for you is that you get your mother's beauty and class, her knack for style, her strong, yet feminine presence. That you get your dad's uncanny wit and ability to write so eloquently and tell stories so colorful that others become riveted. But most of all, my dream for you is that you find a love like your parents' love. Their love for each other was so strong that they were determined to travel up a path on a long journey to find you and they did not stop until you were in their arms. A love this true is rare.
Finally, as you read this, know that I think about you often. You and your parents changed me. You have enriched my life in a way that I will never be able to explain. I feel such honor that your parents chose ME to help deliver you to them. It is such a gift to have that kind of trust put into you. I hope you feel beautiful today sweet Aggy. You are going to do incredible things as you grow up!
Love always,
Melanie
The Stork
In this package, I also sent a onsie I had made for A. It was perfect sentiments for how she came to be..
So there's your little update. I am now back to pre-pregnancy weight finally and I started running again and working out. I still have 30 lbs to lose to be where I was before I started IVF meds for my previous match but I have lost 40 lbs since birth so I am losing it one lb at a time! I am also making 72-75 ounces a day still of breast milk and I am now up to making about 4 gallons of milk a week. Eat your heart out Bessie. I have made 4822 ounces since starting pumping at birth and that would be about 38 gallons of milk. I donated nearly 500 ounces of milk to a family while in Disney and that felt wonderful!
Also, I have decided to do another surrogacy... I don't have details at this time to share, but when I do, I have decided to continue this blog rather than starting another blog. I have followers from all over the world! I literally have followers in more than 30 countries and some check in daily-- even if I don't have an update. So I have decided that I will continue this blog for life as well as a future surrogacy journey! I hope you are as excited about this as I am!
Thank you everyone for reading and checking in with me! I adore each and every one of you!
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