Why don't they just adopt?

This is a question that is commonly asked of the IPs.  According to the general public, there are plenty of healthy newborn babies in hospitals just waiting to be taken home.... So why don't the Intended Parents just adopt one of these waiting babies?

Truth is, there are not a lot of healthy babies in hospitals just waiting to go home with adoptive parents.  Also some parents like to have biological ties to their children and who are we to judge that desire?  Truth is that some parents can see their newborn baby through adoption and just know that the baby is theirs.  But some people just have an innate desire to parent a baby of their own or at least one of the parent's genetics.

This past weekend at church, the sermon was called "I am adopted!"  It was about the moment that we are adopted by God and he becomes our Father.  Without getting preachy I think about adoption and how it is a viable option for some couples to become parents.  The pastor actually became a father through adoption.  He and his wife struggled with infertility for years in their marriage.  After 9 years of trying, they were blessed with their son through adoption.  And again a few years later, they were blessed again with another newborn son from the same birth mother.  Years later, they finally achieved pregnancy for themselves and they were blessed with a daughter.  Do I think they share a special bond with one child over another?  Absolutely not.

This video was shown at the beginning of the sermon.  Jacob's Adoption Story It is a 9 minute video, but the last few minutes when the parents meet their baby and name him Jacob-- THAT is the moment of parenthood.  The raw emotions that they showed over a baby they had wished for, prayed for and dreamed about.  These emotions are not much different than what parents feel during surrogacy.

As the sermon came to an end, the pastor called the church members to pray for the children in the foster system and if they felt called by God to adopt, then they should check into it because there are 500,000 children in the system that need a home.  In that moment I felt a little guilty... but only for a second.  When I talked to my friend right after the sermon, I asked her "Why did they have to go and play that video?" as it had made me emotional.  She looked at me and said "I know your situation is a little different, but I still pray for you and a positive outcome!" 

When I got home, I messaged another friend that has moved but used to go to the same church and I told her she had to watch the sermon online because she wants to adopt from the foster system and I knew the sermon would move her like it moved me.  I told her I felt a little guilty about surrogacy when there were all of these foster children and she said "God convicts us all in different ways!"  She said that I am still helping people and I should not feel guilty for the way that I helping others to parenthood.

Even when you know with all of your heart that this is what you want to do, there are situations that put things into perspective.  That change your view, that make you feel called to help somehow someway.

Adoption isn't for everyone.  Surrogacy isn't either.  Each are viable ways to parenthood and in each, it is a community of people helping the cycle evolve into a family as the end result.

Adoption has plenty of unknowns-- Will the birth mother follow through with the adoption?  Will she regret the decision? How is the birth mother treating herself during the pregnancy?  Is she taking care of herself and the baby?  Will the birth mother choose you as she is looking through profiles?

Surrogacy has its own unknowns too, but the most positive aspect of surrogacy is the relationships and potential friendships you will forage.  Intended parents have the opportunity to be involved in the pregnancy from the beginning to end and even after the pregnancy.  (Adoption can have this as well but it is not necessarily the 'normal').

Either way a person becomes a parent is their own story. It is a story that they get to choose their children one day.  The moment that you meet your baby-- that is a life changing moment whether it is through adoption, surrogacy, or natural pregnancy.  Let happily ever after begin at that moment....

Why would you do something like this for strangers?

That is a question I get asked often and later in the blog, I will address this.   

But first, I must tell about the weekend that led up to today where we finally got to meet each other!  (WARNING-- This is long and picture heavy.  If you are stateside, go grab a beer and cheetos, if you are in the UK, grab a cup of tea and a biscuit-- if you are in Ireland, maybe some corned beef or something!!  And of course I have a reader in India and Japan now too-- no clue who you guys are but hello!!!)

Friday night Kurt and I flew out to Milwaukee for what we knew would be an exhausting weekend.  We got to his parents after 1am and didn't get into bed until after 2 and was up the next day before 7.  East coast time got us!  We got up, ate breakfast then started getting ready for the weekend's festivities.  First was Kurt's twin brother's wedding!  We went to the service at the church and it was beautiful.

Some of us before the wedding

Kurt's large family after the ceremony

 The bride and groom rented a school bus (incidentally driven by their childhood acvities bus driver!) and it was loaded with eh hum, beverages.  From the church we went to two bars where they served free shots when the Badgers scored.  It was a great day for us!

Drinking booze on a bus is not normal

The lovely newlywed couple

Bar number 1 with the girls (all of us are sisters/sister-in-laws)

Then we got to the reception site and had an amazing wedding party/reception where the cake was mini ice cream cakes.

Dancing was great.  Fun was had by all!!  Until..... Well let's just say I was running out to the car, wearing a lovely wrap dress.  It was SNOWING.  Stupid four letter word S N O W!  Kurt's sister and I grabbed what we needed and ran back in... but my dress was grabbed by the car door... but I didn't think much about it.

Exhibit A -- The Start of the snow...

Well as I was running in the door of the reception, there they were in all of their glory.  My thigh highs showing because my dress had unwrapped like a burrito you don't have a firm grip on and the contents fell out!!  My other sister in law was walking to the bathroom and she looked at me strangely.  You know that look where dogs tilt their heads and perk their ears up?  Yep that look.  Then she said 'Oh my Melanie!!'  She saw my dress wide open and my lacy thigh highs were showing. I am now either the family favorite or I am off the Christmas Card list!!   I have no photo of this... sorry folks!

So here are some other photos from the reception. 

The in-laws who celebrated their 50th anniversary this weekend as well!

The husband and I.... and the wrap dress I will never wear again!

That night... the snow fell harder.  This was what it looked by midnight-- and the temperature felt like -1 degree!!!

The next day, we again woke up early after going to bed late.  Today was the day for the Golden Wedding Anniversary party for Kurt's parents.  They celebrated 50 years of wedded bliss together!  Take notes from them, they are doing something right!

But first we need to check out the photo stream to see what is going on back home with the kids-- what photos are they taking.  I cannot stop laughing at these photos.  I will cherish these FOREVER!!

The Golden Anniversary celebration was also lovely.  It had an accordion player that played polka music.  (My mother in law went to school with this gentleman!)  Polka dancing happened, there was a Green Bay Packers game on and the family enjoyed another day of togetherness!!

A photo showing that we were all partied out by Sunday night!

Finally, Monday came and it was time to go home but first we had to go to the local jewelry store.  This store has been where all jewelry has been purchased for all major events in the family's life.  When people get married, this is where the engagement rings and wedding bands are purchased. If a baby is being baptized, cross necklaces and precious moment figurines are purchased here.  But me, this girl, you know, the one married to the 'favorite' son.  Nope I don't have a piece of jewelry from Schoenborn's... (http://www.bobschoenbornsjewelry.com/history.html) But I will ... It has been open for more than 100 years and I need a piece of history.  And I choose this one:  A girl can dream right?

A 2.65ct beautiful estate piece.  It is only $6400 but worth $10k+  Isn't it gorgeous!!??

Off to the airport we went... in the snow.  Please let us get out to Detroit and onto Washington DC.  We had been trying to get on an earlier flight to meet E&L earlier in the day so it wasn't awkward going into psych evals not knowing each other well... but that didn't pan out.  Flights were full so we headed to the airport to take my Sister In Law heading to Maine so we would be there 4 hours early.  No big deal.  We had plenty to do at the airport to keep us occupied!

Our flight got a little delayed so we headed for dinner in the airport.  Then a little more delayed so we went to the USO.

The lovely USO

Departures Board

Then our 50 minute layover was non-existent anymore.  We were about to board the flight and the gate attendant told us that our follow on flight had already been bumped until the next morning.  Except they were not going to tell us until we got to Detroit.  Well they were nice and helped us facilitate a refund and with the permission of E&L we booked another flight with Southwest.  Luckily that flight was delayed as well or we wouldn't have made that one.  We had to wait for our bags to be pulled from the Detroit flight.  With a bit of deep breathing.... we were once again situated.... And had time to kill and learn how to use Kurt's new iPhone's settings like delayed photos!

Somehow through all of this, we still stayed very level headed and didn't get frustrated with each other at all.  Actually we had a lot of fun... until the VERY windy and rough landing in DC.  But alas, we landed safely!  We got our bags, our rental car and we were off to the hotel.  Once again, we got to bed after 1 and we woke up at 6:30 so the nights were incredibly short this trip!

We woke up this morning, got ready and headed for the lobby/bistro in the hotel.  When Kurt and I got there, we waited for a few minutes and E&L showed up.  How do you put into words what you are doing for someone else?  Or how you should feel or act when you are meeting someone for the first time that you are about to embark on a HUGE journey with?  You become friends with them.

They sat down and we talked, like we have been friends for years.  There was never an awkward moment.  Then Sandra showed up from the agency (familyforwardsurrogacy.com) so she could join in with us for breakfast to make sure there were no awkward moments and it gave her the opportunity to meet her wonderful clients for the first time!

We talked about many things that had nothing to do with surrogacy (as friends would), and talked about important things that apply to surrogacy as well such as insurance.  We exchanged some lovely gifts with each other.  

For E, he is wise and yet youthful.  Worldly and at the same time witty.   I chose the book by Dr. Seuss "The Places You'll Go" because it speaks of all of the places you will go if you learn more.  One of their friends told them about surrogacy when they hit the 'What now?' wall and they started researching.. reading.. learning... and now one of the places they will go is to Washington DC so that together, we can make a baby!

For L, I got this bracelet.  I read the quote 'She stood in the storm and when it did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails'  This one small quote just spoke to me.  It is the mantra of Intended Mothers.  When she stood in the storm, unable to have her own baby, she chose to adjust the sails and change her direction rather than being knocked off course.  Determination, dedication, all of that is necessary in surrogacy.  L is strong and she will let the wind help her rather than knock her down!

For us, they brought many lovely UK items.  Organic beauty products that I cannot wait to use and of course-- tea and chocolate!  So I asked today if Brits put honey in their tea.  Apparently they do not.  I must learn to make a proper cup of tea!!

After breakfast we headed over to the clinic for a quick scan of my ovaries to see how the cyst was.  It was smaller (32mm rather than 45mm and it was considered a simple cyst and they are not concerned)  Also on CD8, my lining on my natural cycle was 8mm.  So that is beautiful.

We had a visit (first by myself, then Kurt joined then the IPs joined) with the social worker to make sure we were all on the same page.  Of course we were as we had talked in depth about our expectations before we ever made it to the clinic.  Sitting in the 'therapy' room was like a bunch of friends sitting together.

After that was done, my husband got a lesson on injections and gave me one to show that he was competent to handle this part of the job.  Also we talked about our schedule/calendar.   Initially we planned on doing a fresh cycle but Dr. Levy wants to do PGS and test the embryos then freeze them until the results come back.  This will help to prevent miscarriages and it also brings the success rates up higher as well so this is the best course of action for all of us!  So L will have her retrieval in January, testing will take 3 wks then I will start meds and transfer early March.

When we finished up there, Kurt and I offered to take them to the metro so they wouldn't have to take a cab and it gave us a few extra minutes together.  They were heading off to NYC to see L's best friend and talk business with some other things.  They had to hop on a train from the metro station and we headed south, but first.  Let me take a selfie!!   E also has a new camera so he was taking photos off and on all day so I will be interested to see how those come out-- he was famous about taking photos mid-sentence!

So back to the title.  Why would I do this for a stranger?  or alternatively Do you know the couple?

Well we are all strangers when we first meet.  When a mother meets her child for the first time-- strangers.  When a woman meets a man who will ultimately be her husband for the first time-- strangers.  All relationships that we have in our lives, we were once strangers.  E&L were once strangers as well.  We are still getting to know each other, but after today, I can say for sure that we will not always be strangers and we are friends.  We are a team who is working together for a common goal.  They may have once been strangers but they no longer are strangers!

Nuts & Bolts of Surrogacy (Repost from my previous blog)

For those of you that have followed my journey in the past, this is a repost of many of the aspects of my very first from that journey.  Here is a link if you want to read the whole thing, but I caution you... I did leave it hanging. I never concluded the journey....  and never wrapped up the blog because honestly, I was so sad that I was not able to see it through for them! 

http://oursecondchanceatahappyending.blogspot.com/2014_03_01_archive.html

For those of you who may not know, let me give you a little run down of some terms I might use before you are lost in translation.

I am a GS (Gestational Surrogate-- my uterus is going to grow a baby that is genetically unrelated to me)
IM- Intended Mother -- AKA Baby mama
IF- Intended Father -- AKA Baby Daddy
5 day transfer - Egg met sperm and for 5 days, they grew into an embryo in a petri dish then they were frozen. 
__dp5dt -- Insert any number in the blank and that is how many days I am past a 5 day transfer.  For those of you that know about ovulation, you add the 5 plus the number in the blank to get the dpo (days past ovulation).  Really the only important thing this is for is using pregnancy tests-- Like 'This test is from 5dp5dt which would be 10dpo.  Get it?  Umm if not, that's okay-- just look at pretty pee sticks with me!

Just as a little background for what a surrogate goes through... Just from a medical and legal standpoint (more about our relationship in a bit).  Prior to transfer, there is a lot of leg work that goes into being a surrogate.  This is just a basic list, there are some other things that I am obviously leaving out like psych testing and the like. 

1. First you have to meet a couple either through an agency or through an independent journey.    

2.  Then you have to agree on some topics that no one wants to think about-- selective reduction, what to do in the case of a deformity or anomaly incompatible with life for the baby, money (whether it is compensation or even just how much to reimburse a babysitter for child care during bedrest).  

3. Then you have to go to the clinic and have some testing done-- go through medical records, have some testing done on your uterus (Imagine a speculum, weenie wand and a syringe full of saline all in your vagina at once!  Not for the faint of heart!)  

4.  Contract writing time-- sometimes the most frustrating part of the process and not because you don't agree on things, but because it is the hurry up and wait part of the process.  Even a good attorney can get things wrong in their blanket contract so having to go back and forth for weeks while rushing to get it done in time for a transfer is nerve wracking!  Sometimes there are weird things in your contract like you can't use sun tan lotion or bug spray while pregnant or things like no queso from Mexican restaurants. 

5.  Medications start!  For me, my medications included estrogen orally twice a day from CD2 (Cycle day 2-- the second day of your period) until about 10-12 weeks pregnant, Progesterone vaginal suppositories three times a day from CD 15 until 10-12 weeks pregnant, a whopping dose of steroids starting 3 days before transfer and continuing until night of transfer, antibiotics twice a day 2 days before transfer and continuing until the day after transfer and then valium the day of transfer. 

6. From the time medications start, you have to have more testing done-- 3 vaginal ultrasounds to measure the lining of your uterus to make sure its nice and fluffy for an embyro to snuggle in for 9 months.  Also blood work to make sure you aren't ovulating and other FDA testing including HIV and Hep.  

7.  Finally comes the chance to get pregnant.  For the transfer (I will have more info on this tomorrow since this is my first time doing GS), you go into the clinic and with an ultrasound, they guide the embryo into your uterus and hopefully the embryo thinks its a nice place to hang out and grow for about 9 months! 

So there you have it, the logistics of surrogacy. I have had many people ask me about how it all works, so hopefully that simplifies it for my friends who don't know much about surrogacy!  


I just want to reiterate again, this is from my last journey-- it is not a new post, but for those of you that are reading and have never read about surrogacy, it was worth reposting so you have an idea of what we are about to go through :)  I will repost the transfer process again as well just so everyone has an idea of how and what will happen!

Cheers!

I would love to answer your questions...

I realize that surrogacy is not 'normal'.  It is not 'mainstream'.  Because of this, there are a lot of questions that people want to know the answers to but they are afraid to ask.

Don't be afraid. I will answer any questions you might have to the best of my ability or experience.  Nothing is too taboo for you to ask me and for me to answer.  If I don't have an answer to the question because I have not experienced it myself, I will have one of my good friends answer the question you might have (Most of my friends are already experienced surrogates-- there is just something about this journey that brings people together and keeps them connected in unspoken ways!)

Please ask me ANYTHING you might want to know the answer to.  How much to surrogates get paid?  Why surrogacy?  How do my kids feel about this?  What is it like to 'give your baby away'? (For the record it is not my baby to give away, it is their baby to have!)  ANY other question!!

I know especially in other countries where surrogacy is less heard of, there MUST be questions!  I allow for my blog to have comments placed anonymously so please, if you are one of E&L friends and you have questions, post a comment anonymously-- I won't even have it published to the blog (I admin the comments to make sure spam doesn't get through on my blog so I will take the question but not approve the comment so no one will see who is asking!)  Or if you know me personally and we are FB friends, please drop me a message or you too can ask anonymously on the blog!

The way I see surrogacy is that the more we educate, the more normal it becomes and the more people get to take this opportunity to create the family that they desire and the more favorable the laws become!  It is a win-win for everyone!!  I will post these questions and answer them in an upcoming blog and plan to do Q&A blogs periodically throughout the process!

So please ask away!!

Long overdue update!

This last week has been hectic.  After spending ALL day from 8:30 to 4 at the clinic doing everything I stated in the last entry.

Let me tell you some really awesome things about that day before I get into the nitty gritty of what the tests showed.

Ready to go to the clinic! (This is what unbrushed hair looks like since I had no brush!!  I will spare you a photo of the unshaven legs!! Surely the medical professionals have seen worse than that in their career though!)

First-- My Agency (Family Forward Surrogacy!) is amazing.  I had just posted that blog on my page the night before and the coordinator saw it, sent it to the agency owner (Sandra) and she read it!  By the time I had woken up in the morning, I had over 250 views from all over the world!  You guys rock my socks.  Well one of those views was the agency owner Sandra.  She did not know I had started a blog with the blessings of my IPs and I had an email waiting from her in the morning saying that she was very happy to read my blog!

So I got to the clinic and was waiting in the waiting room and Sandra came and kept me company this whole day!  When she got there, guess what she pulled out of her purse?  A bag of disposable razors.  What a hoot!   By then it was too late, but the personal touch with this agency is what will make it succeed when so many other agencies are so large that surrogates may just feel like a number!

The clinic we are using is Shady Grove.  I must say that a clinic this large is doing something right.  I am used to a small very intimate clinic and when I showed up at Shady Grove, I felt overwhelmed.  Each floor had a purpose and when you got into the elevator, they had signs on the elevator buttons showing which clinics were on which floors. 

First up was my HSG.  I have had one of these done before, but last time it was in radiology on a flat x-ray table.  So the nurse came and got me and told me to undress from the waist down and wrap with a sheet and have a seat on the table.  Then the Nurse Practitioner came in and we were ready to get this started.  (Men might want to skip to the next paragraph now!!)  So then the nurse says "Okay, your calves need to be here in these stirrups (these were not foot stirrups, they were more like the kind you use during labor and delivery).  Except they wanted me to do this from the standing position... which would be fine except I am 5' and the leg stirrups were at chest level.  Soooooo.... I couldn't help but let my humorous nature/facetious tendencies come out.. I said to the nurse "No one told me that being a gymnast was part of the requirements to be a surrogate here!"  Needless to say I was able to throw myself up there and man did I feel exposed!!!! 

So they did the test and the NP told me that everything looked wonderful.  I did ask the NP why I had to do the HSG to see if my tubes were open if we were doing IVF and had nothing to do with my ovaries.  Why couldn't I have a blocked tube while doing IVF?  She told me that blocked tubes would back fluid back into the uterus and make the conditions in the uterus not conducive to pregnancy especially in the case of IVF-- the embryo would float rather than snuggling into the lining.  So there you have it :)

This is a photo found from ONLINE, it is not mine but I wanted to show what a healthy looking HSG looks like so others could see what the x-ray looks like as they inject dye through your uterus and fallopian tubes under an x-ray machine.  I was not able to get a photo of my own, but it did look very similar to this except my tubes were actually much straighter.

Next up was the consult with Dr. L and that also went very well.  He was very friendly and personal and I am very happy to be partnered with him in this getting pregnant journey-- That sounds weird but all of surrogacy is kind of weird to those who are standing outside looking in.   He gave my HSG results an A++ and said that my uterus was beautiful etc. We spoke of the future plans with IVF and what our cycles will look like including medications that would be in my protocol.

From there I went downstairs and had a mock transfer/transvaginal ultrasound.  The doctor that did it said everything looked great except I had a 4.5cm on my right ovary.  He was not concerned as they would monitor it while doing a mock cycle but it is rather common to have these.  Here are some photos from that room!

The lovely weenie wand and the machine that does the ultrasound-- a speculum, ultrasound wand and the catheter with saline are all in there at the same time having a party!  Science really astounds me (and makes me laugh!!)

These things make me snicker too!!  Immature, sure but I am certain nearly every woman has had a chuckle over these things when they see them in the office.

The prepped tools for the procedure.

The cyst on my right ovary.

From there, 12 vials of blood was taken for various different things (STDs, drug tests, hormone levels, etc) and then we went in had a meeting with the Nurse Coordinator (Gail) who is amazing!  Had an injection class.  She answered all of my questions then I got started on my test to see if I am crazy!  Some of those questions had me asking myself 'Does anyone ever really honestly answer TRUE to these?'  One question that sticks out in my head.... it was true for me.  If there was going to be one disqualifying question for me.... True or False "I feel that my sense of hearing is better than others and it immensely annoys me."  TRUE TRUE TRUE!!  I am a sufferer of Misophonia, so noises that others don't hear or tune out get me ... bad!!  They aggravate me!  It has been a week and a half and I haven't heard anything saying that I am crazy, so I think I passed that test somehow!  :)

From there, I sat in 3 hours of traffic trying to get out of DC and by the time I finally got home from what would usually be a 6 hour drive, became a nearly 9 hour drive and I crawled into bed at nearly midnight! 

So another exciting thing happened this week!  Some people don't know this, but as something that is about me personally (Something outside of surrogacy), my husband is a Marine.  On Monday, the United States Marine Corps will be celebrating their 239th Birthday from when the Marine Corps started in Tun Tavern (Yes, it is only fitting that the Corps started in a bar!)  So in tradition, every year we go to the Birthday Ball to celebrate a 'holiday' that is very rich in tradition!  So without further ado, here are a few photos from last night with myself and my handsome hero celebrating another birthday with the Corps!  It was a fantastic night (as usual) and we had an amazing time!

Finally, you are probably wondering "What's next?"  Well this weekend we have a long weekend due to the Marine Corps Birthday Ball yesterday, then they didn't have to work today.  On Monday, it is the Birthday and on Tuesday is Veteran's Day so we get a nice long weekend together!  On Friday we leave our kiddos behind with my godmother and we head for Wisconsin.  Kurt's twin brother is getting married on Saturday and his parents are having their 50th wedding anniversary party on Sunday.  Then we fly to Washington DC on Monday.  Hopefully we can change our flights and get in a bit earlier.  We are hoping to have an early dinner with L&E and then get up in the morning and I get another ultrasound to check on that cyst.  Then Kurt and I get to have a psych consultation with the social worker to make sure we are all feeling well supported.  Then after that, we are having a large group session so we can make sure that everyone is on the same page and we are all doing this with our eyes wide open.  The IPs will be present as well as Kurt & I, and I am not sure if the agency owner will be there too!  Then the IPs take a train to NYC and we head back home to see our kids that I am certain we will be missing after being away from them for almost 5 days!

So that is where we are now!  Some people question me about why I would even consider an international couple.  Isn't communication hard?  Do we have any issues with feeling connected to someone who lives across the big pond?  Do I worry that I have agreed to work with them and done all of this work up without meeting them first?  The answer is No, No, and No. 

This couple makes it hard to remember that they are on another continent that is 5 time zones away.  We email often and we skype often.  I usually try to email them at night so that they have it waiting for them in the morning when they wake up drinking their coffee or tea in the morning.  They are an exceptional couple and I always feel very important with them and to them. I feel so honored that they have chosen me to be their surrogate and carry the most precious cargo!  I also think it is amazing how they are sharing it with their family! I have almost as many UK and Ireland views on my blog as I do American!  Its all very surreal! 

A new update to follow after physically meeting them for the first time and doing our psych evals :)