Saved Round -- 3 months of updates

I need to get this out now before my surgery. I started writing this weeks ago but time has not allowed me to get it all done ...

In 12 days I am having a BSSO/Genioplasty.  To say my anxiety is sky high would be an understatement. I have never experienced anxiety in my life. What if I die during surgery?  What if they nick a nerve and I never feel my chin/lips again?  What if they don't get it symmetrical?  How bad will the pain be?  What if I get mastitis because I am pumping through this?  My heart and thoughts race every night.  All day I can't help but fixate on that day. 

Here is a animation video of what the surgery will be:

I am walking around daily -- trying to prep.  My husband took 2 wks off of work to help me recover but the mom in me needs to get everything done.  Make food for me.  Get systems in place.  Clean up the house.  Oh did I mention we are doing a DITY move (moving ourselves for non-military folks) to Colorado.  Our move date hinges on when I am feeling recovered from surgery.  Is that 4 wks?  Is that 12?  I don't really know honestly.   I posted these bullets of important info on my FB recently:

Here’s what you need to know:
• The department head and the chief resident will be performing the surgery
• The surgery is July 25. Kids will be with Nonnie for a week while I recover.
• I will be on a liquid diet for at least 4-6 wks. Meaning smoothies, puréed soup, broth, protein shakes. (Feel free to donate frozen quart size bags of your favorite soups!)
• Kurt will have 2 wks off during my recovery
• Yes, I am still pumping through this. I will be pumping and dumping in the immediate time after surgery. But plan to continue pumping through it until weaning for our move.
• My jaw will not be wired, it will be banded tight with surgical hooks and rubber bands. It will be like this for 6 wks.
• Today I had many molds taken - some for making the splint, some to make a model for the surgeon to manipulate prior to surgery.
• My lower jaw will be advanced 8mm and my chin another 3mm.
• This is not cosmetic. It should help widen my narrow airway causing migraines and sleep apnea.
• The incisions will be in my mouth on the gum line. I will have my bone cut at the hinge of the lower jaw and closer to my chin on each side - so 4 ‘breaks’ in my jaw.
• Swelling will be a MOFO but pain shouldn’t be extensive.
• I am scared out of my mind, but I am hopeful for a successful surgery with a decent recovery. 

This is the cliff note version. Though sometimes ignorance is bliss.  I am preparing but am I prepared?  I am in a Jaw Surgery group and just two days ago, someone posted that at 13 wks post-op, she was able to eat a piece of bread and ham and cheese by breaking them up into tiny pieces and putting them through her teeth that could now open just 1cm wide.  This is what my life is going to be.  I am going to be eating through a female urethra catheter -- like the kind of tube that women get catheters to remove urine from their bladder at the hospital.  I will eat like this for weeks.  probably at least 4.  I have been preparing for this moment for about 2 years.  My first consult with the surgeon was October 2016.  Braces put on on October 2017 (surrogacy hindered the process for a bit!)  Now this moment I have been waiting for, for years... something to fix my quality of life has me terrified.  I know that theoretically everything will be okay.  But that does not help me put the "what ifs?" out of my mind.  The anxiety is bleeding over to many aspects of my life -- I feel like I am spinning in circles.  I am trying to get everything done and yet feel like I am getting nothing done.  

At this point I have made a bunch of smoothies in grab and go bags.  Just dump in a blender with a premade protein shake and we have a meal!

Lots of soups that I have made and frozen in small sized bags.  It is going to take a lot to feed myself and I will likely drop 10-20 lbs through recovery (though I have already dropped 10 lbs in 3 weeks from starting Weight Watchers so YAY!) 

Here is my device in which I will feed myself for 4-6 wks until the bands are removed.  Yep a syringe that I have to put the catheter down my cheek to my molars and feed in the small gap in the back made by my splint.  I just got this on Monday. I knew it would be a challenge to feed myself but didn't realize how much of a challenge.

Here is a photo of me at my pre-surgical consult where the entire plan was hashed out and many molds made. 

A cook book I made for my husband so he doesn't have to guess what I will want to eat and I won't have to eat ramen in a blender for weeks.

Foods that I have gathered to eat when I need something quick

Why the heck would I want to do this?  Three reasons - Sleep apnea (my air way is small and I don't ever get restful sleep due to this -- bringing out my jaw will open up my airway as evidenced in someone elses' before and after x-rays).  Migraines - I have suffered my whole life and my orthodontist told me my first appointment it was likely from my jaw misalignment causing pulling in my neck and head.  Profile - this surgery will significantly improve my profile and create a chin. Maybe now I will want to smile all of the time for photos and not cringe when a side profile photo has been done or one showing my teeth and overbite.

Other stuff surrogacy related!  E&L from my first journey emailed me a sweet photo of Aggy and told me I could post it!  I emailed them asking them about the hype of the Royal Wedding.  They shared this photo with me of Aggy wearing a Union Jack dress for the festivities.  The Union Jack flag is the flag that signifies the unity of the countries with in the UK. Aggy will be 3 in December -- It is hard to be that I carried her that long ago!

On the 12th, Rowan turned 3 months!  I get to see her about once a week and it is pretty fun to watch her and her daddies together.  Isn't she just a doll?  Leah & I had fun putting filters on her during our last visit! 

 Speaking of 3 months - Here are my pumping totals since starting this journey.  I have pumped over 5700 oz since she was born - (In addition to these totals I donated some to someone else because well..... my freezer is so full we are running out of space and there isn't a single other thing in the freezer other than all of this iced cream!)   This amount is more than 7.5 months worth of milk if a baby consumed 25 oz a day!   Insane.  I will be weaning before we move to Colorado (probably will be weaned by around the beginning of September and depending on how surgery recovery goes, I will have about 7 months worth of milk in the freezer and she will be about 4 months by then so my pumping for 4-5 months will get her to about 11 months old!  Not too shabby!)

On a last note -- The fabulous Julie Gayler Photography halfway across the country right after I delivered Rowan so she is now getting our birth photos up on her website so that means the birth story is coming soon! I hope to have it up before the surgery but it takes time to add photos into blogs so I may have to do it during recovery! But I promise - they are worth waiting for.

As a final question -- we will see who read all the way through lol -- during recovery I will have netflix and Hulu -- any suggestions of must see series I can binge on?  I don't like any shows that require a lot of attention to be able to follow and I really love trashy reality -- we all have our vices!!  Tell me the best!!!