Angel of Light

Sometimes my blog is specifically about surrogacy and sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with surrogacy and sometimes, surrogacy is so woven into my day to day life that even in simple tasks or words, I find a meaning about surrogacy even when it was not specifically meant to be about surrogacy. 

This past weekend, I hosted a monthly bunco game night at my house.  As always, it is a wonderful opportunity for socializing with fun ladies and it is a way for us to have some girls only time where our only duty is to be good company for others.  This time we had a little different element added into our bunco night.  One of my closest local friends, Misha, celebrated her birthday earlier in the week.  Also, the 15th was the birthday of her best friend and I guess you could call her a soul sister, Amber. 

I never met Amber, but most days I feel like I know her.  Amber received her angel wings far to early in life and she passed away from Cancer.  So much was robbed from Amber and Amber's family and friends.  A spirit and light was lost on the day she lost her battle. Children lost their mother, Misha lost her best friend... I am certain Amber would have fit right into our Bunco group!

So on Sunday night when we had our Bunco, we celebrated the light in our lives and those who still live but more importantly we celebrated the lives of those we have lost.  We don't usually have 'down' moments of Bunco but it was therapeutic to go around the room to 18 different women and say a 'cheers' to those who passed before us and hopefully they heard from above that they were not forgotten!  We had some tears, some laughs but it was really a night of celebrating relationships!

Prior to Bunco, Misha brought me some special gifts and a card.  It was an emotional weekend for her knowing that it was Amber's birthday and Amber should have been here to celebrate with us and yet she was bringing me gifts!  Misha brought me a beautiful German star ornament that was really a symbol of the advent and was usually the first decoration put up during the Christmas season to celebrate Jesus. (Misha is German so that makes this gift that much more special!)  Though it should hang, I really wanted it somewhere I looked often so I chose to put it on my mantle for now until I can find a really wonderful well lit place where the glass will refract the sunlight so that it appears to be dancing around the room. 

She also gave me a Willow Tree Angel, hence the title of this blog post-- the Angel of Light. 

This is sort of where I can tie surrogacy into my life.  I see this figurine and the words that go with it "Shining a Light of Happiness" I think of surrogacy.  I think of the amazing women in my life that I have met through surrogacy.  I think how each of these ladies are a shining light of happiness into their Intended Parents life.  Surrogates are often called Angels because of what we are doing but when you have that giving and compassionate heart, you really do forget how amazing this gesture is.  How BIG and GRAND it is for helping a couple become a family or adding that special baby into an already existing family to help them complete it.  When you are so familiar with surrogacy and it is woven into the fibers of your being, you forget how special it really is.  When people tell me how amazing it is that I am willing to carry a baby for a 'stranger', I often don't know how to respond because it just doesn't feel that 'BIG' when it is already a part of me! 

She also gave me a card that she told me not to read until she left... The words say it all about how she feels about me... And these words are how I feel about all of you special surrogates and also the Intended Mothers and other Intended Parents I have met along the way.  Each of you gives so much of yourself to make a family.  You each make a difference in other peoples lives and you are AMAZING!!!

If I am half of what this card says, then I feel really good about who I am.  I care so deeply for others and that is a fault of my own.  I treat other people's hearts as I would want my own treated.  I forgive easily for things I often shouldn't. I give the benefit of the doubt to every single person no matter what.  I see the good in others and probably inflate it often then get hurt painfully. 

Misha-- I know you are reading this (She is one of our BIGGEST followers and is even trying to make it work so that she can go to my transfer so I don't have to go alone!  She is the first to reach out and ask how I feel or what is going on!).  Take out a tissue, wipe that tear from your eyes, wipe the snot off of your face and pour yourself a glass of wine!  You are a wonderful friend who is often too hard on yourself!  You need to let go of that grief you have, let go of bitterness and embrace the fact that you and Amber will be laughing in heaven together one day.  Until then, I hope that one day I can be half the woman and friend she was to you and I can hope to somehow lessen that pain you feel in your heart!!  Love you my friend!! 

Of course I have to brag about this awesome group of gals too-- Here are my Bunco Beauties!  They are pretty amazing huh?!