Back in November 2014, I said that anyone could leave an anonymous comment about any questions they might have and I would be happy to answer them. Recently, with the Stitch Fix post, I had recently joined a Stitch Fix B/S/T group and shared my story with those ladies. There was a lot of interest about surrogacy in that group and anyone that knows me, knows I love to educate about the process!
With that, I got a comment today from one of those lovely ladies and I would love to answer Anna's questions! So hello Anna and thank you for asking questions that I am sure everyone else would love to see answered!
Here is Anna's original post:
Hi! I found you through a stitch fix group where you posted your blog :)
I would love to know how your husband and kids felt about it! Having
just had my second I know a pregnancy (temporarily) changes the dynamic
for the whole family and is a sacrifice by us all! They must be very
supportive...but what were some of the questions you answered to your
kids about it? Also how did you emotionally prepare for giving away the
baby that you had carried and nurtured for 9 months? I'm not trying to
be negative by any means that is just a huge sacrifice and a huge gift
to this couple. I can only imagine how hard it was--or was it something
you were prepared for since that is the whole premise of this process?
Also did you create the birth plan that you wanted or did your couple
have a say in it? If they had wanted you to do a c section but you
wanted a natural birth who gets to say what happens? I suppose all this
is worked out in the contract. I have started at the beginning and am
excited to read through your whole blog--thank you for sharing so people
like me can learn more about the amazing journey of surrogacy!
My husband met me when I already had a nearly 2 year old and I was in the process of being a surrogate with my first couple. I told him "This is a dream of mine, like it, love it, or leave it!" He chose to love it and me. But this isn't typical. Surrogates should have complete support from their significant other/spouse because IF things get bad, that is their main support. It is bad enough when something goes bad in your own pregnancy, but when you add the element of another couple to the dynamics of a pregnancy, you are adding a lot more emotions and feelings as well. It can be exhausting trying to balance life in general but also having to cultivate a relationship and consider everything on both sides can be draining. We fortunately had a pretty text book surrogacy -- physically and emotionally. My husband is a Marine (but you already know that!) We have moved 6 times in 6 years and with that, many of my dreams of careers have been crushed. I have always dreamed of becoming a nurse. This hasn't been able to happen due to not having enough time at any duty station to complete a program so because I have followed him everywhere, he supports me in my dreams and surrogacy was one of them. He was a huge support! HUGE. He did everything for me. Rubbed my back and feet when they hurt. Talked me through situations and gave me the best advice or sometimes just listened. There were times I was cranky, or I couldn't sleep. There were periods of time where I had to have pelvic rest or to be completely candid, had no interest in any relations. Surrogacy is not for the faint of heart -- for anyone. Even husbands. But he took it all in stride and was just really supportive about everything.
My kids were really wonderful through it. Leah was my little side kick. She was the only one that ever felt Baby A move. She would come over and talk to my belly. She was really in tune with the whole pregnancy. She is 8. She also loved L because L is very stylish and gorgeous so Leah connected to her right away. She always wanted to buy little gifts for the baby and the parents when we would go shopping but she new it was more like a 'cousin' to her and not one of our babies unlike her little sister. Weston is 5 and many times, he saw that it was a burden at times. When E&L were here in September, it happened to be the weekend of the Richmond Nascar Race. Weston wanted to go to the race, but we had plans with E&L. He said "Mom, can't you just give the baby to them already so we can go to the race?" So he understood how this baby would come out and go home with someone else but he also knew that sometimes, this baby made mama crabby and he didn't like that. Piper knew there was a baby in my belly. She was the least aware of how it would play out though. She had never experienced a baby coming home with us so I am not sure that she anticipated the baby coming home with us either. But now, she is aware of how baby A fits in all of this. When I pump, she still asks me if I am pumping for Baby Aggy. Also, the other day we were looking through my phone for photos of cinderella and I had a lot of photos of Aggy in my phone. Piper looked at the photos and said "I love baby Aggy. I want to hug her. She's my best friend." It broke my heart and made it soar all at the same time. So they have been great but this is hard on them too!
The emotional preparation to 'give away' the baby as you stated was not hard. Surrogates usually phrase it as "giving the baby back". It is like babysitting-- you love the child, you want the child to be safe, but you are okay when mom and dad come at the end of the day to take the baby home! It was not hard for me to separate myself from the baby one bit. actually it is surreal to think I grew this baby under my heart and yet I have not one little iota of maternal instinct or feelings towards her. The hardest transition was going from being pregnant and talked to often by the IPs to being updated occasionally. I think most surrogates would say that they miss the close relationship with their IPs more than they miss the baby.
The birth plan was kind of a long process and it was really in depth for us. Some surrogates get to call all of the shots with their birthing plan and the parents get to make the decisions once the baby was born. But I have always held the premise that "This is OUR story". That included the birth and the birth plan. My doula sent me and the IPs a questionnaire and we uploaded it to a google doc. From there, we all tweaked answers to our satisfaction and the doula put the birth plan together. Of course the plan is just a list of wishes and anything could change at any moment, but we were all happy with what we would like to see. As for if the surrogate and IPs don't agree on medical interventions, that CAN be addressed in the contract and you should only match with those that agree with your ideals of delivery. I have recently seen that a set of IPs are requesting a surrogate that would consent to a scheduled C-Section from the beginning. I would not be an ideal candidate for that couple so I would not match with them. If someone changes their mind about their wishes, then it is usually deferred to medical advice. The doctor gets to make the ultimate decision and there is room in a contract for a second opinion should someone require one.
I hope that answered all of your questions Anna! IF anyone else has any questions, feel free to post them anonymously! I will answer them honestly and I promise to not get offended with any questions.
Also, Anna -- feel free to find me in that group and PM me if you have anymore questions or just want to chat about surrogacy in general. I can talk about surrogacy until I bore people -- Really, I can!!
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